BREAKING NEWS!! FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

This just in to the World Wide Web news room…

MEDICAL NEWS ALERT: After a three-year long investigation, a group of scientists and world-renown doctors conducting research in the lab of a well-known East Coast University, announced today at a news conference that they have isolated the c.L.a.Y gene, thought to be responsible for a new phenomenon sweeping the nation. It is considered to be a relatively new disease, primarily affecting females of all age groups. Doctors have scientifically named the disease Obsessive c.L.a.Ytonaikenitis Disorder, or OCD.

DIAGNOSIS: Symptoms of this relatively new disorder include sweaty palms, uncontrollable heart palpitations, light-headedness, thudding, the inability to concentrate, involuntary screaming and the irresistible urge to be a kid again; curiously enough, all symptoms of being in love. Other symptoms include unexplained sexual tension even in post-menopausal women. Although doctors are encouraged by their recent findings, they sadly regret there is no known cure at this time.

TREATMENT: The only known treatment doctors are currently able to recommend is continued doses of recording artist and singing sensation, Clay Aiken, generally administered through “Clack” (legal or illegal), and in the form of DVD’s, video clips, and thud-worthy pictures featuring Clay Aiken, which should be easily accessible 24 hours a day.

EXPOSURE: How does a potential victim recognize whether or not they are predisposed to the c.L.aYtonaikenitis gene or OCD? “If you have the latent gene, exposure to Clay Aiken will cause the gene and subsequently the disease to surface,” warns Dr. O. H. Crap, head of the Dept. of Research at Blog University. “If after being exposed you show no general symptoms,” Dr. Crap continues, “then the general consensus is you are not predisposed and should be relatively safe. However, for those who do have the gene, my fellow researchers and I warn that continued exposure may cause genes to mutate, only aggravating the symptoms and condition, but what a way to go!”

To remain safe and to protect yourself from further damage, doctors suggest you keep any and all genuine “Clack” handy at all times, and warn not to be fooled by imitations. I spoke with several patients after the news conference. One patient, who wishes to remain anonymous claims, “I confess I’m totally and completely addicted to my medication for this persistent disorder. I even have a stash of “Clack” safely stored in my safe deposit box...just for emergencies.” Seemingly unconcerned, another said, “In spite of being diagnosed with OCD, I have never felt better in my life!” Strange reactions…but it seems to be the most common among sufferers…they’re not looking for a cure!

But the strangest comment of all came from a young girl standing nearby. She said, “You want to talk about Global Warming? I’ll tell you about Global Warming! The closer we get to September, the hotter it’s gonna get, baby!” As I said, very strange comments, indeed.

FUTURE PROGNOSIS: Computer expert, lecturer, and blogger, Dr. Truth Rules, suggests you contact her office for further information and instructions in coping with this disease. Dr. Rules is working day and night for a cure, in spite of the fact that most women are not interested in a cure! Several clinics throughout the country are also offering assistance in learning how to live with this disease…providing courses in downloading “clack” from life-sustaining clinics, such as YouTube, open 24/7.

There is hope! Doctors expect fresh “Clack” due out sometime in the fall. If you would like further information, contact the lifeline at http://clays-equalizers.blogspot.com/ or http://truth-rules.blogspot.com/.

Written by: Polly Graf